WHY THEM...

This took me back many years, but still a question I ask so often... 

Back in the day I worked for a soap company. Made amazing friends.  Soul people, salt of the earth. I was in HR and back then HIV / AIDS were a hot topic and the latest pandemic. Part of my job speck back then was to make sure the employees who were diagnosed with HIV / AIDS received the relevant checks and medical assistance as per the company policy.  I was in my early twenties, still so young, ignorant and very arrogant with regard to my view on this matter.  "You screw around; you deal with the problem..." my motto it was...

One morning our HR Manager asked me to take one of our employees to the state hospital.  We wanted to get her on the antiretroviral which was just introduced. The ride to the hospital was quiet. The hospital was full of "them" and I remember the employee going in to see the doctor and I ended up seated to a plump black lady who looked like she can really give nice hugs.  We were just sitting there and then I felt a shoulder bump.  I looked at her and she smiled and asked: "How were you infected.." I looked at her and replied back a bit shocked: "I am not infected, I am here with someone.  Why are you here, are you infected."  Thinking back now, I feel ashamed, my words were cold, unsympathetic and just point blank rude. 

I will never forget the moment that followed - it changed my mindset completely.

Without pushing, the lady shared her story. She was a single mom of several kids, divorced, late 40ties and had a small garden growing vegetables and selling them.  Your typical street vendor, earning a humble living to support her family as best she can. One evening a young man of 23 broke into her home, stole from her and raped her.  The police manage to find him, arrest him and he got a 5 year jail sentence.  Her words..."I got a a death sentence..."  Have you ever had words hit you so hard it physically hurt.  

Months followed after the incident, and I got more and more involved in the HIV / AIDS cause.  At that stage I felt I found my purpose.  Low and behold a project popped up at a children's hospice. The founder of the institution was very hesitant upon meeting me and vice versa.  She however gave me the option to visit for a morning to see if this is actually something I want to get involved in - working with kids living with HIV / AIDS.

I was nervous and excited at the same time.  I rocked up the Saturday morning and the founder / owner gave me full access and to kids.  Left for an appointment and there I was, looking at about 7 kids, aging from 5 to 8 years old and all I had to do was keep them entertained and safe. All infected with HIV / AIDS.  The maid smiled, walked pass me and said: "you got this girl, they just kids..."

I remember we were playing silly old school kid games outside on the grass under a huge tree.  There was this small 6 year old girl who would run past me and just randomly pull my hair or hit me.  This specific little girl's face is stuck in my head till today.  Long story short, when the founder / owner of the institution returned, we sat down, and we had a long chat.  I knew after the time spend with the kids, this was not my calling or something I would pursue further.  It was heartbreaking seeing these young lives fading away.  I did however asked about the little girl who pulled and hit me.

I was told her mom sold her to a man for R20 to have sex with.  Months passed and they found out the girl was infected, and she was taken from the mom because of the sex act.  I remember going home that afternoon, went to the room, close the door for privacy and cried.

Years passed and I got involved in animal rescue. My mom use to say the lost souls seem to seek me and find me....  Lord have mercy, the ignorance and arrogance was still strong with me.  Of all animal rescues I got involved with Bull Terrier rescue.  It took a lot of nips, falls, tumbles, laughter and tears but eventually you respect what so many before you have build on and worked towards.  Saving a life. In this case the life of an animal.   From Bull Terriers I went to animal outreach in really poor and rural areas and eventually ended up at the age of 52 in cat rescue.

Regardless child or animal, what no one tells you is what you go through when they cross over. It messes with your mind and emotions.  It messes with your entire being. It's a darkness that stays with you.  Not an evil darkness, more empty and alone.  It definitely changes you as a individual. These emotions are deeply embedded inside your DNA and it follows you and when you are alone it haunts your thoughts. People say your heart breaks, no even by a long shot, each passing, child or animal in any rescue situation, it's like a piece of your soul gets chipped away.

When they leave, you remember.  You remember their smell, their touch, their eyes, their voice or bark.  Every single silly quark. You cry and you think you gonna be okay ... but you're not.  You layer the sadness till the next time the memories resurface.

I am rooted in my faith, always was and will be but I am finding myself asking why kids, why animals. Why must they suffer such horrible fate.  Abuse, loneliness and abandonment to name just a few. Regardless of whatever supreme being you bow down to, I ask, why do THEY have to suffer?

I have not found my answer as yet, have you?